My thoughts on abortion

I realize this is a sensitive topic to a lot of people. But this blog doesn't belong to a lot of people. It belongs to me. :) So, here goes.

I kind of have mixed feelings on abortion. I used to be completely okay with it. And then I had a child.

I just saw a video of an abortion (or a miscarriage, I'm not sure). The video showed a fetus about 17-18 weeks old. It was still inside the amniotic sac and it had the hiccups. The doctors were handling the sac. I had to stop watching there because I knew what was coming.

My baby used to have hiccups ALL the time in my womb. I just cannot imagine choosing to kill a child, especially that late in the game.

The fetal heart starts to beat around 6 weeks. Really, that gives a woman about 1 week to choose to have an abortion if she wanted to have it aborted before the heart started beating (assuming the woman doesn't automatically know she's pregnant and waits until she's a week overdue for her period before testing). This isn't much time... and for me, I think that this is the only way I could feel okay about it... although, I doubt I'd ever *really* be okay with it.

There are extreme circumstances (rape, incest, deformity) where the decision would be even MORE difficult.

I am never, ever on-board with late-term abortions. Apparently fetuses start to feel pain around the 20 week mark, and abortions can legally be carried out until about 22 weeks (2 weeks before a fetus is deemed "viable" by doctors). This date always confused me. I've heard that 21 weeks is the date of viability, but that babies very rarely live when born at this age. That leaves a gap in which a fetus can certainly feel pain while being killed. That's not cool.

In any case, I have strong feelings about late-term abortions, but very mixed feelings about very early-term abortions.

On the other hand, I am a firm believer that I did not breathe life into anything and so I should not be so nonchalant about taking it away. For example, I will not kill a spider inside my house. I trap it under a cup and relocate him/her outside. I did not innervate this spider. I did not inspire life into it, so I have no right to take that precious life away. If something MUST die, I would rather it be as quick, painless, and justifiable as possible.

To me "It's just not a good time for me to have a baby" and "I don't like spiders" are not justifiable reasons.

Anyway, this is just my opinion. Take it as you will.

My experience with being a military wife

You could also call this post "How a recent dinner party went for me"

My husband and I were invited to a dinner party last night. He was tasked to bring a fruit platter. I had an old plastic platter left over, so instead of spending $30 on a new one, I just went out and bought some fruit, cut it up, and put it in the platter. This has no bearing on the story, but I was proud of how it turned out. :)
What would have cost me $30 ended up costing me $8, and I had 3/4 of a watermelon, 2 heads of broccoli, a nearly-whole bag of carrots, and 1/2 a cantaloupe left over for me to enjoy. I ended up using a yogurt that was unopened but expiring soon as a dipping sauce for the middle portion. ANYway. :)

So, we went to this dinner party. I don't know anyone there (they're all my husbands friends), and I'm feeling super-awkward. I try to stick to my husband's side because I tend to be shy until I warm up to the atmosphere.

Three people there were military wives. What did we talk about? Here are the standard questions every military wife must ask the other when having a conversation for the first time and they're usually asked in this order:

• Where are you from?  (Chances are VERY good that you're all not originally from where you're stationed at the moment.)
• Do you like it?
• How long have you guys been here so far?
• How long have you guys been married? (In my experience, enlisted tend to spend less time dating so when you hear an Officer's wife say 2 years, you might bet they've been together for years longer than that. This isn't always true, but it's just what I've observed.)
• How many times has your husband deployed?
• For how long?
• Were you married when he was deployed?
• Did you have kids then?
• Do you work? (Most don't so things start to go downhill from here...)
• What does your husband do? (This is probably a boring answer, too. It's probably something like "Work in the motor pool" or "He's infantry"... okay and that means what?)
• (All of the military wives there were breastfeeding new babies. I had my 16 month-old who is still breastfeeding. I suppose in this case you could add:)
• How long do you plan to breastfeed? (or) Have you had any trouble with it yet?
• Are you guys co-sleeping (bed-sharing)? 

People like to pretend there is some sisterhood in being a military wife. We're all as different as the general population. It's just a bunch of people thrown together in an unusual circumstance and we have to get along.

It's been a really lonely time for me. I'm a couple-thousand miles away from home. I have no family here and I was super close to my family before I moved. I miss them and I miss my home state and the climate there. I guess I'm homesick.

The friends that I've made here so far have moved away in the short time I've known them because they got stationed somewhere else or got out of the military. We all pretend we'll keep in touch, but it never happens that way (also, I'm not on FB anymore, anyway!... that makes keeping in touch a lot less likely).

I guess I'm feeling jaded with the whole military thing. I've been at this for 7 years now (a girlfriend for most of it). Anyway, I think you really have to be cut out for this lifestyle. I don't mind moving a lot. That's actually pretty cool... getting to start over. Being able to be a teeny, tiny bit more open about my religion is also kinda nice. I still don't wear my pentacle when I know I'll be around people who know me or my husband. But if we go to the neighboring town a few miles away and I'm feeling adventurous then I'll wear a Pagan-themed necklace. I get tired of hiding.

Aaaand there you have it. That's pretty much it. That sounds like a hoot, doesn't it? Like a really whimsical time, eh? Don't you want to be a military wife now?

The Biggest Waste of My Life and Time

I get so angry at myself for wasting my life on my now "alternate" account. It might be time to quit THIS fucking account, too! Holy shit!! >:(

What is it with Facebook that makes it so addicting? I'm taking a week's break from it. That's it.

Does anyone else have trouble with this?




Tonight I was reading about how other people struggle with the fact that they will one day die. This feeling of mortality really didn't hit home until I had a child (perhaps I've mentioned this before). It's so difficult to deal with sometimes. It's crippling.

And I think Facebook has become a very good distraction from this. It's become a way to feed opiate to the masses. It's become more than just a social medial platform. It's consuming... at least for me it is.

But this feeling of there being no point... Ugh.

I have actually sat down and cried at the fact that I brought my child into the world and that one day my little one will have to die. My child will be saddened over my death and I will not be able to provide comfort when it is needed the most. My baby will one day in the far, far future die, too.

Is thinking about this shit a sign of depression? Or am I just a deep thinker?

I am so sick of dealing with these feelings... but I think it's important to have them in order to enjoy life.

That probably doesn't make much sense.

Birth and death, birth and death...

This reminds me of something. A nurse once told me when I was in nursing school "Watch the doors. When one person leaves this world, another person comes into it." I did find proof of this one day. I was working at a local hospital during my clinicals. An old lady was wheeled into the ER on a gurney and her older male companion was crying and clearly distraught. They intubated her and kept doing chest compressions. She didn't make it.
I left the ER upset, sad for the old man, and went to labor and delivery. Ten minutes later, a baby was born. At that moment I realized what the nurse was trying to tell me. It often happens in the same hospital, apparently.

Well, if you're still reading, I'm sure there are more posts like this to come. Good luck. :)

A Potential RN to BSN. It might be doomed. MOMMY GUILT

So, I've been looking into getting my RN to BSN online. Whilst filling out a school application, my little one broke my husband's computer by turning it on and off suddenly several times and then broke a glass container of evening primrose oil I thought I had out of reach.

If I can't even fill out a school application for 20 minutes without disaster striking, how am I supposed to go to school for my BSN?

At every turn it seems like the Universe is telling me that a BSN is impossible.

I almost hate myself for having ambition other than being a mother. It's ridiculous how I feel. I want to give my child something for which to aim. A bachelor's degree would be perfect for that. I feel so guilty for this. I do...

In a way I want to be accepted to the school and in a way I don't.

I don't know what to do. :(