===Mommy Guilt===
Recently I've taken up a lucrative hobby that has kept me quite busy--so much so in fact that I've hired a nanny to come live with us and help care for the household chores and my little one. We've since moved about 1,000 miles away from where we were previously, and yes, she moved with us!
But since I have hired her and she lives with us now, I feel that there is a bit of an adjustment that needs to happen. I need to get into the swing of things with her. Right now she does a fair job at cleaning when she isn't helping with the little one directly, and this is totally fine with me.
I feel like with her here I've stepped up my game as a mother. I feel almost competitive with her... that I need to spend more time with my little one so its still know that I'm still the mother. This makes me be a better mother, and probably a better person, too.
This is where the mommy guilt comes in. I felt guilty for working from home and not taking the time to be with my child.
===Finding Time===
Sometimes I wish there were more hours in the day. But I have fallen back into old habits and spend far too much time *wasting* time on the internet with things like BuzzFeed, Facebook, Netflix, Youtube, Prime, etc. If I cut these things out of my life, I think I would have a lot more time to do with what I wish.
====Religious Practice===
Not only should I find time for others, I should find some time for myself. My Pagan practice has fallen by the wayside. But now I live in an absolutely gooorrrgeous area with lots of trees and grass, 4 seasons, and lots of pastoral scenery. I will enjoy getting reacquainted with the God/dess. It will be quite nice. <3
I can't guarantee that I will be better about posting because I truly am very busy, but I will try to keep updated here.
Blessed Be Sisters and Brothers. <3
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
The Big PCS
My husband got orders! That means we'll be leaving our current duty station and heading somewhere new. Where that "somewhere new" is still remains a mystery. I'm hoping it's somewhere with water. :)
I'm not very good at keeping up with my blog, as you can probably tell, and I'm really not a good Pagan, either. I've been far too busy with my businesses and watching my wee one.
I've taken the plunge and cut off 9.5 inches of my hair recently to donate to charity. I really only meant to cut off 8 inches, but for whatever reason, the stylist took it upon herself to cut an extra 1.5 inches, leaving me quite annoyed. It took a lot for me to donate and for her to willfully take more than agreed upon is not cool. Well, I guess it's for a good cause though.
For leaving in 2 months we really are nowhere near ready. We have tons and tons of things to get rid of, sell, or give away. It's kind of frustrating because my husband doesn't do this part of things .
I wish I had time to do more Pagan-related activities. I suppose there are priorities, huh? I have to MAKE time for them. It isn't easy, but anything worth it usually isn't.
I need to get back into writing. I would love to... I lost all of my entries from Open Diary. I lost them a while ago but I recently discovered this when I tried to sign into my account to start writing. It really sucks... big time. I had my birth story in there, the past 7 years of my life, and I kept up with it pretty regularly. I hate them for doing this to me--I know I am not the only one who feels this way.
I need to get back into writing. I would love to... I lost all of my entries from Open Diary. I lost them a while ago but I recently discovered this when I tried to sign into my account to start writing. It really sucks... big time. I had my birth story in there, the past 7 years of my life, and I kept up with it pretty regularly. I hate them for doing this to me--I know I am not the only one who feels this way.
Anyway, time to go to sleep (I hope). Busy day tomorrow/today! Blessed be, everyone! <3
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Happiness is a choice
I was thinking about happiness today... about how I've been very up and down when it comes to my own happiness lately.
Tonight I realized something. I'm quite certain I've discovered this piece of information before but maybe it just sunk in tonight.
Happiness is really about choosing to be happy. Fear is really about choosing to be afraid. Anger is really about choosing to be angry.
Every emotion is a choice.
I've had a lot of different emotions recently.
Lately I've thought a lot about homeschooling the wee one. I have been reading homeschooling handbooks. The more I learn about it, the more I really think I can do it... and the more I think I really do want to do it. I know that if I do choose to do this, I'll have to be on my game, and I'll have to resign myself to not working outside of the home. I doubt I'll ever go back to being a nurse again--and the more I pursue this path for my wee one, the more I realize that it will be very difficult for me to go back to school for my BSN myself.
With that said, I'm going to start being happy. Because I deserve to be happy for myself and with my life, my wee one deserves to have a happy mother, and my husband deserves a happy wife. I've made this decision; it's an important one.
Tonight I realized something. I'm quite certain I've discovered this piece of information before but maybe it just sunk in tonight.
Happiness is really about choosing to be happy. Fear is really about choosing to be afraid. Anger is really about choosing to be angry.
Every emotion is a choice.
I've had a lot of different emotions recently.
- Uselessness for not having a "real" job. My attitude towards being a stay-at-home-mom really needs adjustment. Being here with my wee one is extremely important. Raising the wee one myself and not paying someone to do it for me is important to me, baby, and my husband.
- Sad about being stuck in a military town that I don't really like. It doesn't really resemble home in any way and I don't have any friends here. I'm kind of a home-body and I just like hanging out with the wee one.
- Excited about the prospect of moving soon.
Lately I've thought a lot about homeschooling the wee one. I have been reading homeschooling handbooks. The more I learn about it, the more I really think I can do it... and the more I think I really do want to do it. I know that if I do choose to do this, I'll have to be on my game, and I'll have to resign myself to not working outside of the home. I doubt I'll ever go back to being a nurse again--and the more I pursue this path for my wee one, the more I realize that it will be very difficult for me to go back to school for my BSN myself.
With that said, I'm going to start being happy. Because I deserve to be happy for myself and with my life, my wee one deserves to have a happy mother, and my husband deserves a happy wife. I've made this decision; it's an important one.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
My thoughts on abortion
I realize this is a sensitive topic to a lot of people. But this blog doesn't belong to a lot of people. It belongs to me. :) So, here goes.
I kind of have mixed feelings on abortion. I used to be completely okay with it. And then I had a child.
I just saw a video of an abortion (or a miscarriage, I'm not sure). The video showed a fetus about 17-18 weeks old. It was still inside the amniotic sac and it had the hiccups. The doctors were handling the sac. I had to stop watching there because I knew what was coming.
My baby used to have hiccups ALL the time in my womb. I just cannot imagine choosing to kill a child, especially that late in the game.
The fetal heart starts to beat around 6 weeks. Really, that gives a woman about 1 week to choose to have an abortion if she wanted to have it aborted before the heart started beating (assuming the woman doesn't automatically know she's pregnant and waits until she's a week overdue for her period before testing). This isn't much time... and for me, I think that this is the only way I could feel okay about it... although, I doubt I'd ever *really* be okay with it.
There are extreme circumstances (rape, incest, deformity) where the decision would be even MORE difficult.
I am never, ever on-board with late-term abortions. Apparently fetuses start to feel pain around the 20 week mark, and abortions can legally be carried out until about 22 weeks (2 weeks before a fetus is deemed "viable" by doctors). This date always confused me. I've heard that 21 weeks is the date of viability, but that babies very rarely live when born at this age. That leaves a gap in which a fetus can certainly feel pain while being killed. That's not cool.
In any case, I have strong feelings about late-term abortions, but very mixed feelings about very early-term abortions.
On the other hand, I am a firm believer that I did not breathe life into anything and so I should not be so nonchalant about taking it away. For example, I will not kill a spider inside my house. I trap it under a cup and relocate him/her outside. I did not innervate this spider. I did not inspire life into it, so I have no right to take that precious life away. If something MUST die, I would rather it be as quick, painless, and justifiable as possible.
To me "It's just not a good time for me to have a baby" and "I don't like spiders" are not justifiable reasons.
Anyway, this is just my opinion. Take it as you will.
I kind of have mixed feelings on abortion. I used to be completely okay with it. And then I had a child.
I just saw a video of an abortion (or a miscarriage, I'm not sure). The video showed a fetus about 17-18 weeks old. It was still inside the amniotic sac and it had the hiccups. The doctors were handling the sac. I had to stop watching there because I knew what was coming.
My baby used to have hiccups ALL the time in my womb. I just cannot imagine choosing to kill a child, especially that late in the game.
The fetal heart starts to beat around 6 weeks. Really, that gives a woman about 1 week to choose to have an abortion if she wanted to have it aborted before the heart started beating (assuming the woman doesn't automatically know she's pregnant and waits until she's a week overdue for her period before testing). This isn't much time... and for me, I think that this is the only way I could feel okay about it... although, I doubt I'd ever *really* be okay with it.
There are extreme circumstances (rape, incest, deformity) where the decision would be even MORE difficult.
I am never, ever on-board with late-term abortions. Apparently fetuses start to feel pain around the 20 week mark, and abortions can legally be carried out until about 22 weeks (2 weeks before a fetus is deemed "viable" by doctors). This date always confused me. I've heard that 21 weeks is the date of viability, but that babies very rarely live when born at this age. That leaves a gap in which a fetus can certainly feel pain while being killed. That's not cool.
In any case, I have strong feelings about late-term abortions, but very mixed feelings about very early-term abortions.
On the other hand, I am a firm believer that I did not breathe life into anything and so I should not be so nonchalant about taking it away. For example, I will not kill a spider inside my house. I trap it under a cup and relocate him/her outside. I did not innervate this spider. I did not inspire life into it, so I have no right to take that precious life away. If something MUST die, I would rather it be as quick, painless, and justifiable as possible.
To me "It's just not a good time for me to have a baby" and "I don't like spiders" are not justifiable reasons.
Anyway, this is just my opinion. Take it as you will.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
My experience with being a military wife
You could also call this post "How a recent dinner party went for me"
My husband and I were invited to a dinner party last night. He was tasked to bring a fruit platter. I had an old plastic platter left over, so instead of spending $30 on a new one, I just went out and bought some fruit, cut it up, and put it in the platter. This has no bearing on the story, but I was proud of how it turned out. :)
What would have cost me $30 ended up costing me $8, and I had 3/4 of a watermelon, 2 heads of broccoli, a nearly-whole bag of carrots, and 1/2 a cantaloupe left over for me to enjoy. I ended up using a yogurt that was unopened but expiring soon as a dipping sauce for the middle portion. ANYway. :)
So, we went to this dinner party. I don't know anyone there (they're all my husbands friends), and I'm feeling super-awkward. I try to stick to my husband's side because I tend to be shy until I warm up to the atmosphere.
Three people there were military wives. What did we talk about? Here are the standard questions every military wife must ask the other when having a conversation for the first time and they're usually asked in this order:
People like to pretend there is some sisterhood in being a military wife. We're all as different as the general population. It's just a bunch of people thrown together in an unusual circumstance and we have to get along.
It's been a really lonely time for me. I'm a couple-thousand miles away from home. I have no family here and I was super close to my family before I moved. I miss them and I miss my home state and the climate there. I guess I'm homesick.
The friends that I've made here so far have moved away in the short time I've known them because they got stationed somewhere else or got out of the military. We all pretend we'll keep in touch, but it never happens that way (also, I'm not on FB anymore, anyway!... that makes keeping in touch a lot less likely).
I guess I'm feeling jaded with the whole military thing. I've been at this for 7 years now (a girlfriend for most of it). Anyway, I think you really have to be cut out for this lifestyle. I don't mind moving a lot. That's actually pretty cool... getting to start over. Being able to be a teeny, tiny bit more open about my religion is also kinda nice. I still don't wear my pentacle when I know I'll be around people who know me or my husband. But if we go to the neighboring town a few miles away and I'm feeling adventurous then I'll wear a Pagan-themed necklace. I get tired of hiding.
Aaaand there you have it. That's pretty much it. That sounds like a hoot, doesn't it? Like a really whimsical time, eh? Don't you want to be a military wife now?
My husband and I were invited to a dinner party last night. He was tasked to bring a fruit platter. I had an old plastic platter left over, so instead of spending $30 on a new one, I just went out and bought some fruit, cut it up, and put it in the platter. This has no bearing on the story, but I was proud of how it turned out. :)
What would have cost me $30 ended up costing me $8, and I had 3/4 of a watermelon, 2 heads of broccoli, a nearly-whole bag of carrots, and 1/2 a cantaloupe left over for me to enjoy. I ended up using a yogurt that was unopened but expiring soon as a dipping sauce for the middle portion. ANYway. :)
So, we went to this dinner party. I don't know anyone there (they're all my husbands friends), and I'm feeling super-awkward. I try to stick to my husband's side because I tend to be shy until I warm up to the atmosphere.
Three people there were military wives. What did we talk about? Here are the standard questions every military wife must ask the other when having a conversation for the first time and they're usually asked in this order:
- Where are you from? (Chances are VERY good that you're all not originally from where you're stationed at the moment.)
- Do you like it?
- How long have you guys been here so far?
- How long have you guys been married? (In my experience, enlisted tend to spend less time dating so when you hear an Officer's wife say 2 years, you might bet they've been together for years longer than that. This isn't always true, but it's just what I've observed.)
- How many times has your husband deployed?
- For how long?
- Were you married when he was deployed?
- Did you have kids then?
- Do you work? (Most don't so things start to go downhill from here...)
- What does your husband do? (This is probably a boring answer, too. It's probably something like "Work in the motor pool" or "He's infantry"... okay and that means what?)
- (All of the military wives there were breastfeeding new babies. I had my 16 month-old who is still breastfeeding. I suppose in this case you could add:)
- How long do you plan to breastfeed? (or) Have you had any trouble with it yet?
- Are you guys co-sleeping (bed-sharing)?
People like to pretend there is some sisterhood in being a military wife. We're all as different as the general population. It's just a bunch of people thrown together in an unusual circumstance and we have to get along.
It's been a really lonely time for me. I'm a couple-thousand miles away from home. I have no family here and I was super close to my family before I moved. I miss them and I miss my home state and the climate there. I guess I'm homesick.
The friends that I've made here so far have moved away in the short time I've known them because they got stationed somewhere else or got out of the military. We all pretend we'll keep in touch, but it never happens that way (also, I'm not on FB anymore, anyway!... that makes keeping in touch a lot less likely).
I guess I'm feeling jaded with the whole military thing. I've been at this for 7 years now (a girlfriend for most of it). Anyway, I think you really have to be cut out for this lifestyle. I don't mind moving a lot. That's actually pretty cool... getting to start over. Being able to be a teeny, tiny bit more open about my religion is also kinda nice. I still don't wear my pentacle when I know I'll be around people who know me or my husband. But if we go to the neighboring town a few miles away and I'm feeling adventurous then I'll wear a Pagan-themed necklace. I get tired of hiding.
Aaaand there you have it. That's pretty much it. That sounds like a hoot, doesn't it? Like a really whimsical time, eh? Don't you want to be a military wife now?
Sunday, July 13, 2014
The Biggest Waste of My Life and Time
I get so angry at myself for wasting my life on my now "alternate" account. It might be time to quit THIS fucking account, too! Holy shit!! >:(
What is it with Facebook that makes it so addicting? I'm taking a week's break from it. That's it.
Does anyone else have trouble with this?
Tonight I was reading about how other people struggle with the fact that they will one day die. This feeling of mortality really didn't hit home until I had a child (perhaps I've mentioned this before). It's so difficult to deal with sometimes. It's crippling.
And I think Facebook has become a very good distraction from this. It's become a way to feed opiate to the masses. It's become more than just a social medial platform. It's consuming... at least for me it is.
But this feeling of there being no point... Ugh.
I have actually sat down and cried at the fact that I brought my child into the world and that one day my little one will have to die. My child will be saddened over my death and I will not be able to provide comfort when it is needed the most. My baby will one day in the far, far future die, too.
Is thinking about this shit a sign of depression? Or am I just a deep thinker?
I am so sick of dealing with these feelings... but I think it's important to have them in order to enjoy life.
That probably doesn't make much sense.
Birth and death, birth and death...
This reminds me of something. A nurse once told me when I was in nursing school "Watch the doors. When one person leaves this world, another person comes into it." I did find proof of this one day. I was working at a local hospital during my clinicals. An old lady was wheeled into the ER on a gurney and her older male companion was crying and clearly distraught. They intubated her and kept doing chest compressions. She didn't make it.
I left the ER upset, sad for the old man, and went to labor and delivery. Ten minutes later, a baby was born. At that moment I realized what the nurse was trying to tell me. It often happens in the same hospital, apparently.
Well, if you're still reading, I'm sure there are more posts like this to come. Good luck. :)
What is it with Facebook that makes it so addicting? I'm taking a week's break from it. That's it.
Does anyone else have trouble with this?
Tonight I was reading about how other people struggle with the fact that they will one day die. This feeling of mortality really didn't hit home until I had a child (perhaps I've mentioned this before). It's so difficult to deal with sometimes. It's crippling.
And I think Facebook has become a very good distraction from this. It's become a way to feed opiate to the masses. It's become more than just a social medial platform. It's consuming... at least for me it is.
But this feeling of there being no point... Ugh.
I have actually sat down and cried at the fact that I brought my child into the world and that one day my little one will have to die. My child will be saddened over my death and I will not be able to provide comfort when it is needed the most. My baby will one day in the far, far future die, too.
Is thinking about this shit a sign of depression? Or am I just a deep thinker?
I am so sick of dealing with these feelings... but I think it's important to have them in order to enjoy life.
That probably doesn't make much sense.
Birth and death, birth and death...
This reminds me of something. A nurse once told me when I was in nursing school "Watch the doors. When one person leaves this world, another person comes into it." I did find proof of this one day. I was working at a local hospital during my clinicals. An old lady was wheeled into the ER on a gurney and her older male companion was crying and clearly distraught. They intubated her and kept doing chest compressions. She didn't make it.
I left the ER upset, sad for the old man, and went to labor and delivery. Ten minutes later, a baby was born. At that moment I realized what the nurse was trying to tell me. It often happens in the same hospital, apparently.
Well, if you're still reading, I'm sure there are more posts like this to come. Good luck. :)
Monday, July 7, 2014
A Potential RN to BSN. It might be doomed. MOMMY GUILT
So, I've been looking into getting my RN to BSN online. Whilst filling out a school application, my little one broke my husband's computer by turning it on and off suddenly several times and then broke a glass container of evening primrose oil I thought I had out of reach.
If I can't even fill out a school application for 20 minutes without disaster striking, how am I supposed to go to school for my BSN?
At every turn it seems like the Universe is telling me that a BSN is impossible.
I almost hate myself for having ambition other than being a mother. It's ridiculous how I feel. I want to give my child something for which to aim. A bachelor's degree would be perfect for that. I feel so guilty for this. I do...
In a way I want to be accepted to the school and in a way I don't.
I don't know what to do. :(
If I can't even fill out a school application for 20 minutes without disaster striking, how am I supposed to go to school for my BSN?
At every turn it seems like the Universe is telling me that a BSN is impossible.
I almost hate myself for having ambition other than being a mother. It's ridiculous how I feel. I want to give my child something for which to aim. A bachelor's degree would be perfect for that. I feel so guilty for this. I do...
In a way I want to be accepted to the school and in a way I don't.
I don't know what to do. :(
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